“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if they’re persuasive.” – Demetri Martin
Whilst working at Toyota when I was 17, I passed my driving test which led to my parents buying me my first car. It was a crappy little Austin Metro 1.0 litre, and with about as much power as a washing machine, but it was mine. I was also one of the first people in my group of friends to get one, so I was quite popular.
Stock Photo, not actually my car
Put your foot down…
I love driving to give context, I would spend most evenings just driving about with friends, music blaring through a sound system that was worth more than the car. Living in the east of Manchester, we were close to the rolling hills of the Peak District so we would often drive up into the hills at night, the guys would have a drink and I’d have a few cans of alcohol-free lager.
House Party…
I remember one night, we were up in the hills driving along and a guy flagged the car down, so I stopped. He needed a lift to a large farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, he paid me £20 for petrol so we let him in. The guy assumed that the car was stolen, as there were 3 young lads driving around in the dark, we tried to convince him otherwise, but he was having none of it. As we approached the farmhouse, some of the loudest music was blaring out of the property and there were disco lights flashing everywhere. The guy finally explained to us that it was a large invite-only orgy that happened every few months, he’d travel down there on the night, go into the house and it was effectively a sex party. We asked him if we could come in for a look obviously, and yes, he did refuse. I did wonder for some time after if those parties still happen, and how you go about getting an invite.
Taxi for two…
There was another pastime I enjoyed, and that was to drive around the local town with all the bars and clubs and offer women a lift home for petrol money. I’d never do this alone, but most nights it really worked and by the end of the evening I’d have a full tank of petrol, and some extra cash in my pocket. There are other benefits to this as well, sometimes my friend and I would get a little more than just petrol money. One Saturday evening it was getting late and I was dropping off two women, my friend also got out of the car whilst dropping off one woman as she lived close to him, as he was done for the night, then there was just the other woman and me. She asked me to take her for a drive as she didn’t want to go straight home, so we took off up into the hills (in hindsight, what was she thinking?). I drove to a dirt road I knew that led into a copse of trees where we got out of the car and went for a short walk.
I was slightly shocked when she stopped, pulled down her underwear and bent over leaning up against a tree, I almost dropped my car keys. I just stood there with what I can only image was the dumbest look on my face, she became slightly impatient and asked, ‘are you going to fuck me?’ and proceeded to lift her skirt up over her bum with her left hand. The situation suddenly became hotter than two mice fucking in a wool sock, and I went to town. I drove her home after round 2 in the car where she continued with some enthusiastic mouth hugs, I never did see her again as this was before mobile phones were common, but she was certainly fun.
Do you deliver? …
One night I was in the local pub having a drink with some friends, the usual stuff was going on, knocking back pints, gambling on the machines and smoking like it was going out of fashion.
At around 9pm, two of my women friends started talking about getting a kebab as this is obviously the favourite drunk food of England. The more and more they went on about it, the more I wanted one. They asked me for a lift in my car and I said no as I’d been drinking, but they wouldn’t stop going on about it.
Eventually, I relented, and we all got in the car and headed to the kebab shop without incident. On the way back as I was approaching a small roundabout, which I should add was covered in snow, I clipped the edge of it and I lost control of the car. Events happened so quickly I have limited memory of details but we hit a kerb head on; the woman in the front hit the dashboard, the woman in the back hit the seat and I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt, reluctantly I chest bumped the steering wheel.
Heart in the right place…
The car was a mess, the front wings had folded, and the engine had cracked open, leaking oil all over the carriageway. I was lying on the floor when another car pulled up trying to help, I hadn’t realised he’d called the police though. The police arrived and I was breathalysed when he asked me ‘Do you think you will fail?’ I just responded with ‘I know I will’, and I most certainly did. I was then packed into the back of a police van whilst my friends got a lift with the good Samaritan.
When we arrived at the police station, I was breathalysed again on the main machine, and it was found that I was nearly three times over the legal limit. I was formally charged, and even though I asked to speak to a doctor as I was having some chest pain, I never saw one. They let me out of the police station, which was certainly not the one close to where I lived, and I just had to make my way home on foot.
Apprehended to Outpatient…
I got home in the early hours to find my girlfriend waiting for me, with a good old telling off she followed me to bed. When we woke in the morning I couldn’t move, I was in so much pain. We jumped in a taxi after she managed to get me up and dressed, and then we headed to Tameside Hospital.
When we arrived, I went straight into Triage, the nurse examined me, put a red sticker on my file and grabbed me a wheelchair. I was wheeled straight through to X-ray where I was rushed into a room. Once the X-rays had been done, and may I add some of the most painful I’ve had, I was wheeled into a cubicle. I then received an ECG (electrocardiogram) for my heart where an odd thing happened. I had to strip off my t-shirt and take off my trousers, so I was lying on a bed with just my underwear on, my girlfriend was sitting in a chair beside the bed. The nurse then began placing the sensors on my chest, what I didn’t expect though was that the sensors also went on my inner thigh. The nurse slid her hand up my thigh to place the sensor and effectively pushed my cock and balls to one side whilst looking at me in the eyes, luckily my girlfriend was distracted by a doctor explaining what was happening.
Things could have been worse, I was informed that I had a fractured sternum, and was to start taking medication to prevent infection.
Broken dreams and broken bones…
I was due in court a few days later where I was subsequently fined and banned from driving for two years. I was working for Toyota at the time and although my job was not driving-based, you can imagine that they weren’t happy as there were always jobs that required me to drive from place to place. This didn’t particularly matter to me, but what did matter to me was I’d been accepted into the special constabulary of the Police so I could begin my career, I was hoping to go into the armed police force.
I called the police office regarding the incident, and the lady told me she would have to call me back as I was due to pick up my uniform. When she called me back, I was informed that my career in the police was effectively over, before it had even begun.
I honestly believe this is where everything started to come together, but in a truly bad way.
My Emotions
I was so overwhelmingly angry with myself and my friends that it was very difficult for those around me, especially my girlfriend. I slumped into a place where everything annoyed me, everything was a chore, and everyone became the target. This was all underlined by a sense of hopelessness and self-hatred which I struggled to deal with. I believe this was my very first outing with actual clinical depression, but of course I just buried it down and tried to hide it.
What would I change?
I think the obvious things I would change are the things that all of us would have changed in hindsight. I wouldn’t have listened to my friends; I would have handed my car keys to the landlord and most probably should have just gone home on foot. This one is easy to see how I could change the situation, but that makes it feel worse as there’s such an obvious branch in my life where a decision changed everything.
Any Advice?
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, I can only advise that you get your car keys as far away from you as possible, and preferably in the hands of someone who won’t listen to your drunken ramblings. Back then I was very spontaneous and a little rash, since that incident I tend to see a bigger picture when it comes to a decision. This is both a blessing and a curse as now I analyse every situation considering numerous variables, which can sometimes be physically and mentally painful. This concentration on variables allows me to avoid obstacles, manipulate a situation and even manipulate people, but I now use that as part of making my life better. You should always strive to find a way to cope with an unexpected branch in your road, and you must find a way to not dwell on it, as this can eat away at your life.
If you believe the issue arose from lifestyle choices you should always look to seek help from friends, family and most importantly a professional in that field. I do regret not seeking counselling over this event, and certainly wished I sought out help with my drinking. Asking for help is not a weakness, it truly is bravery.
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